Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
