Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
