a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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