i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
