Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
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