I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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