Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
