she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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