I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You made out with two different species that night
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
