3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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