So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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