I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You did what with his pubic hair?
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