guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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