Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
