He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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