i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
