So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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