How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
