My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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