I want to have your abortion
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you would pick up someone in the library
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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