How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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