Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
