then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
