Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
