The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
