my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
