Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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