It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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