what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
How does it feel to date your dad?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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