i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Terrible idea I love it
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
