I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
What a dumb baby whore.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
