that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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