When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
