i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
