the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
