It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
