she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
