I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The air taste purple.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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