I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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