could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
