I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
