I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
