to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
