Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
