I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
