3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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