Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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