My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
