no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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