You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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