How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
